Age gap relationships in high school are not a new thing; they’ve been occurring forever. But that doesn’t mean students know exactly what the consequences of these relationships are and what the risks are — and there are many.
Intimate relationships with age differences always have their challenges, but for anyone 16 or older involved with anyone below age 16, the consequences can be severe.
“When you’re that young, sometimes you’re not sure what you want, and sometimes someone might change their mind, and that can be dangerous,” said Dr. Emily Sportsman, Pioneer’s school psychologist.
Lots of students who are in these kinds of “age gap relationships” could be victims of being groomed, which is why most states have a certain “age of consent” for intimate relationships. In Michigan law, 16 is the age of consent,
Sportsman says school professionals are well aware that 15-year-olds might be in relationships with 17-year-olds, but that those students might not know the dangers that poses. “We know that relationships are happening, and it’s not unusual,” Sportsman said. “And I think it’s actually statistically that by the time you turn 16, about one third of people have had experience in a sexual relationship. We know it’s happening. It’s something we take seriously.”
Sportsman cautions, though, that sexual activity under the age of 16 is strictly illegal, even if the students are in a loving relationship.
“In Michigan, you cannot consent until you’re 16, period,” said Dr. Sportsman. “Even if it’s a 15- and a 16-year-old or two 14-year-olds, those people cannot consent, I think we should educate kids about the dangers of, you know, doing this, that it is obviously not a good choice, and why and what could happen, and what could be potential consequences.”
One student who asked not to be named, said she got into a relationship with an older boy that quickly became manipulative and unhealthy.
“(Initially), he tried to play off as trying to become friends with me, kind of like a way to get to me. He would come around the same people that I was hanging out with, go to a mall with, like, our (mutual) friends,” she said. “At the time I didn’t know how old he was, he didn’t tell me anything.”
They dated for awhile, but then he abruptly ended it and got a new girlfriend. When that ended, he and the student got back into a relationship again. She was confused by the on again/off again nature of the relationship.
“He would use himself against me, saying ‘Oh yeah, you can’t tell anybody about this.’ He would always be like, ‘Oh, I love you so much. I love you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you.’ But, like, no, you still kind of did,” she said, eventually recognizing that he was grooming her to do things she was not ready to do.
“Love bombing” — showering someone with love words and affection very early in a relationship — and urging one’s partner to lie to adults are forms of manipulation that the recipient might not even see is happening, making it very easy to do to someone.
“I really didn’t know who I could trust,” said the student involved with the older boy. “He would try to give me ideas about how to lie to my mom so I could see him, and that was a big thing, that he would try to teach me how to lie. He would also blame me for a lot of the stuff that he did. He would always try to find a way to blame me. He would just lie, lie, lie, lie.”
Sportsman notes that when students fully know what the laws are about teens and sexual activity, they often understand better when something is not appropriate.
“I think it’s important for students to be as well informed as possible about the law,” she said. “We have to be realistic about teens and sexual activity. I think comprehensive sexual education is very important.”
Lying to adults, she said, is a big red flag. “Lying to get your way in a relationship is extremely manipulative and can in some cases be illegal if lying to someone about age. Even if the younger person lies to you about their age and says they’re 16 or older, it doesn’t matter if they’re actually younger (than 16), it’s still a statutory rape.”
Sportsman further points out that being accused of statutory rape, even if you think you’re in a healthy relationship, can be seriously life altering.
“Statutory rape is a very serious crime, and the consequences reflect that,” she said. “So there can be prison, there can be fines, and you could be on the sex offender registry, which is lifelong surveillance, and your name is out there. And I think teens should know that.”